CCAR RESPONSA
New American Reform Responsa
179. Criminal Past
QUESTION: How much detail about the unsavory past of a parent must be told to his children? A mother of young children would like to continue to portray her deceased husband as a normal father, although he served a prison sentence. How forthright should she be with her children? (D.K. New Orleans LA)
ANSWER: We generally tend to embellish the memory of the deceased, and some of our funeral rites are intended more for the survivors than the deceased. For this reason we provide a normal funeral for suicides (W. Jacob (ed) American Reform Responsa #89 and #89). For the same reason virtually no congregation now buries criminals or others considered wicked in a special section as the tradition demanded (San 49a; Shulhan Arukh Yoreh Deah 362.5). Extenuating circumstances have usually been discovered even by the most traditional Jews.
Eulogies were normally not given for the deceased, but some words of praise were spoken (Shab 105b; Shulhan Arukh Yoreh Deah 344; Shevut Yaakov II #25); it has always been considered appropriate to praise the deceased more fully than deserved.
In this case, we are faced with a more difficult situation. We should note that a midrash portrayed even God as stretching the truth occasionally, in order to keep peace between Abraham and his wife Sarah (Yeb 65b). The mother should always indicate that their father cared for them and was concerned about them. In this instance as long as the children are very young nothing need be told them. She need not, at this young age, deal with his criminal status in the general community. It would, however, a little later be good for her to deal with it and to make clear that he was punished for some specific wrongs. It is better for the children to hear this from their mother than to receive this news from someone else in the community. As long as they live in the community where their father was known, it would be wrong to withhold this knowledge from them as they grow up.
November 1989
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