CCAR RESPONSA
New American Reform Responsa
212. A Wedding and the Estranged Parents
QUESTION:A bride and groom have disagreed with their parents over the wedding arrangements. The disagreement led to hostility, and eventually the couple asked that the grooms parents and friends not attend the wedding. The parents have asked the rabbi to postpone the wedding. He felt that the couple agreed with each other and there was no reason for postponement. The wedding was held with some additional security to assure no disruptions. Was this the proper path? (Rabbi H. B. Waintrup, Abington PA)
ANSWER: Tradition, of course, stated that the father had complete jurisdiction over his daughter until she reached the age of puberty (M Kid 2.1; 41a), although he was asked to fulfill her wishes whenever possible particularly in matters of matrimony. We should note that the father had no such control over his son, although there were instances in which the father nevertheless seized control (Moses Mintz Responsa #98). In the Middle Ages some of the synods expressed the feeling felt that children were becoming too rebellious and so tried to control them through a variety of ordinances (Friedmann Toledot Erusin Venisuin pp 138 ff.) There were, of course, responsa which dealt with these kinds of disagreements about marriage. In most instances they decided in favor of the children as they were the ultimate concerned party. One of them put it beautifully and said that the couple was best able to judge the heavenly verdict in this area. Sometimes they stated that marriage would most certainly succeed for those who were in love, and so no compulsion should be introduced (Solomon ben Aderet Responsa Vol I #272; Joseph Colon Responsa#174.3).
Parents were able to exercise some control over their children. They sought to guide them through whatever means were available, but ultimately in matters of matrimony the decision rested with the couple.
In this case, I presume that the argument over arrangements conceals deeper disagreements. It would be wise if both parties were to see either the rabbi or some counselor who could help them and bring about reconciliation. The path, however, which you have chosen of going ahead with the wedding is certainly very much in keeping with tradition.
May 1990
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