NARR 349-350

CCAR RESPONSA

New American Reform Responsa

219. El Malei Rahamim at a Wedding

QUESTION: Occasionally some families ask whether the el malei rahamin may be recited at the beginning of a wedding ceremony. What is the origin and significance of this custom? What is Reform Judaism’s attitude to such a request? (Rabbi Minard Klein, Flossmoor IL)ANSWER:The origin of this custom as so many others is obscure. We know that the el malei rahamim itself began to be recited as a memorial prayer after the Crusades, first in Germany, and then also in Italy. Eventually it was also recited at the time of Yahrzeit (I. Elbogen Gottesdienst p 203). It was not mentioned for example by Maharil or Moses Isserles. The first written statement about this prayer is found in Maavar Yabaq. Although Elbogen noted that it may have originated in the twelfth century, it was not transferred to the synagogue or funeral service until the seventeenth century in Eastern Europe. It has become the custom in some traditions to recite the prayer on shabbat for those commemorating Yahrzeit (Greenwald Kol Bo al Avelut p 399). We do not know when the custom of reciting it at a wedding arose: it was mentioned by Elzet (Miminhagei Yisrael p 357). The prayer was recited at the cemetery for the deceased mother or father of the bride or groom or at the beginning of the wedding ceremony in the presence of the immediate family, and so before the public ceremony began. I can only guess that this began in the nineteenth century. As this is not a custom of long standing the recital at the wedding should be discouraged. The couple should visit the cemetery whenever that is possible before the wedding and may recite the el malei rahamim then. This also has the advantage of removing the recital from the festive day as that will cast a shadow on the happy atmosphere. If the couple insists, then one may recite el malei rahamim for the couple privately before the wedding and then change the mood into one of festivity. This prayer, of course, encourages children to remember their parents at a crucial time in their life. It is appropriate to do so, but this pious act must not destroy the moment of their greatest happiness. If it is at all possible, we should discourage the recitation in conjunction with the wedding ceremony.March 1990

If needed, please consult Abbreviations used in CCAR Responsa.