CCAR RESPONSA
New American Reform Responsa
32. A Bar Mitzvah and Her Estranged Mother
QUESTION: A Bat Mitzvah candidate is the offspring of a divorced couple. The father has sole custody of the child. He has remarried and the daughter lives with him and his wife. The daughter’s natural mother has absolutely no contact with her and the daughter feels estranged from her natural mother. The natural mother, however, insists that she has a right to share in her daughter’s forthcoming Bat Mitzvah. This potential participation sorely troubles the child who perceives her mother in negative terms and accuses her of child beating. May the mother be excluded from the Bat Mitzvah? Does the mother possess natural, inherent rights to participate? (Rabbi Leonard Poller, Larchmont NY)ANSWER: The responsibility of children toward their parents has been broadly stated through the commandment: “Honor your father and your mother….” (Ex 20.12) and “You shall each revere his mother and his father…” (Lev 19.3). Furthermore those who cursed their parents could be punished by death (Ex 21.15, 17; “the rebellious son” Deut 21.18ff); statements which later tradition found abhorrent and therefore surrounded with so many obstacles that they could not be carried out (San 88b; Mekhilta; Sifrei; see also M. Kasher Torah Shelemah). As these statements were not developed further in the Bible, we must look to the early rabbinic sources. They indicated that the obligation to honor parents rested equally upon sons and daughters (M Kid 1.7), but they too did not define it; they, however, removed the death penalty as indicated above. We should note that although Jewish law in this period developed within the Roman sphere, it never gave absolute power to a father over his children. In Roman law this meant complete control throughout the children’s lifetime. This included their person, as well as all property Institutes of Justinian Bk I Title ix as quoted in G. Blidstein Honor Thy Father and Mother p 175). The Talmudic and Midrashic literature along with later exegetes and philosophers loosened the bond of obligation between children and parents. Broad general statements about the meaning of the Biblical commandments were made, but the scholars carefully refrained from concrete examples except in peripheral matters of etiquette. The responsa literature, which must by its nature be specific, primarily dealt with obligations during critical periods in the lives of the parents: the duty to ransom them if taken captive and their proper care during debilitating illness or old age. Appropriate support was mandated as a form of honoring parents (W. Jacob Contemporary American Reform Responsa #26). On the other hand, parents power over their children was severely restricted even in matters like the choice of a marriage partner; honoring parents did not generally extend so far. (A.H. Freiman Seder Qidushin Venisuin pp 12 ff,66 ff, 138 ff, etc; Shulhan Arukh Yoreh Deah 240.25; Isaac b. Sheshet Responsa # 127; Simon ben Zemah Duran Responsa III 130 sec 5; Ezekiel Landau Noda Biyehudah II Even Haezer 45 etc). As children’s attitude to parents depend on specific situations, few efforts to generalize were made. There is little material about the rights and privileges of parents at the time of Bar/Bat Mitzvah, as this ceremony which has become so significant for us was of minor importance in earlier generations. Some historical background of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah has been provided in an earlier responsum (W. Jacob (ed) American Reform Responsa, #33). As we turn to the troublesome question which you have asked, we should review the role of the father in the ceremony; for us, of course, the rights of the father and mother are equal. The father’s sole obligation during the ceremony was the recitation of the blessing shepatrani (Maharil, Hilhot Qeriat Torah quoting Mordecai; Shulhan Arukh Orah Hayim 225.2 and commentaries). Some authorities were not convinced of the necessity for this prayer and so suggested that it not be recited beshem umalkhut (Isserles Ibid; Sefer Minhagei Habad Ammud 74). Generally this prayer was recited at the Bar Mitzvah in the presence of the son and the minyan, but if the father was away or abroad, he could recite it in another synagogue (Yad Yitzhaq 3.303; Efros Responsa #48). Some also permitted the father to recite the blessing in the same city at another time (Responsa Maharam Brisk II 68; Responsa Tztitz Eliezer Orah Hayim, 225; Hatam Sofer Shaar Birkhat Hashahar). These statements indicated that there was only a vague obligation to recite this prayer. We should also note that there was no obligation on the part of the father to be called to the Torah on the day of his son’s Bar Mitzvah although it was customary (Shaarei Efraim II 2; Miqraei Qodesh I 6.31) These citations indicate that tradition considered parental obligations and rights during the Bar Mitzvah ceremony as minimal. We are dealing with a somewhat different situation as Bar/Bat Mitzvah have assumed a greater significance in our age. We have used this ceremony to stress family ties as demonstrated by the gathering of the entire family for the occasion. We have, however, along with tradition emphasized the child and its maturation. All children must be made aware of the duty to honor and respect their parents. Although this may be difficult in situations of divorce, it is nevertheless necessary. This child should, therefore, be encouraged to establish better relations with her estranged mother now and if that is not possible, later. In a normal divorce the mother would have the right to participate in the ceremony in whatever manner is customary and the rabbi as a neutral party may adjust the participation in order to maintain peaceful relations. Here, however, matters are different as the child seems to have been subjected to unusually bad treatment by her mother. This apparently led the court to give sole custody to the father without visitation rights. This judgement by a neutral outside party combined with the feelings of hostility of the child toward her mother indicate that it would be inappropriate for the mother to participate unless some reconciliation has taken place. The natural mother may, of course, attend the service and should be encouraged to do so although a stipulation of good behavior with appropriate safeguards may be set for her attendance. The father’s new wife should not participate in the Bat Mitzvah in this case as that might very well be considered an unnecessary irritant. In many other situations the participation of both the new wife, who currently cares for the child, and of the natural mother would be appropriate and welcome by all parties.April 1988
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