NRR 198-201

REMARRIAGE OF A WIDOWER

QUESTION:

According to the Halachah, how soon may a widower remarry? (Asked by Rabbi Roland Gittelsohn, Boston, Massachusetts.)

ANSWER:

THE SOURCE of the law is the Talmud (Moed Katan 23a), where it is stated that a widower may not remarry until the three festivals (Passover, Shavuos, Succos) have passed. In other words, he must wait virtually a whole year. The reason for this rather long delay in the permission to remarry is given by the Tosfos to the passage in Moed Katan. The man should be given time for thoughts of his first wife to fade from his memory. He should not marry one woman while his heart is still full of memories of another woman. The Tosfos uses the frequently employed phrase: that there should not be two different moods in the same bed, “shtay dayos b’mito. ” Asher ben Yechiel, in his notes to the Talmud passage, refers to the same emotional problem in a somewhat different way. He cites the opinion that if the widower will have the joy of the three happy festivals without his deceased wife by his side, she will then tend to fade from his mind.

The passage in the Talmud referred to above adds the following—if the widower has not fulfilled the duty of having children (which means at least a son and a daughter) or if his deceased wife left him with little children who need to be taken care of, then he may remarry at once. In this case, “at once” means he may have the marriage ceremony after the seven days have ended, but he must wait until after the thirty days of mourning before they have conjugal relations.

This law as stated in the Talmud is given in almost the identical words in the Shulchan Aruch, Yore Deah 392:2. However there Isserles adds that the custom has developed that the widower may remarry earlier than the passing of three festivals. This statement of Isserles, that the custom has developed that the widower need not wait for the passing of the three festivals, indicates that the custom must have been based on the opinion of various earlier scholars who sought to bring about a relaxation of the three-festival requirement. So it has been indeed. For example, the post-Talmudic treatise on mourning, Semachos (7:15), repeats the Talmudic relaxation that if there are no children, or if he has only small children, the widower may remarry at once, i.e., after thirty days. The Shach (Sifse Cohen) to the Shulchan Aruch cites the early Halachic booklet Aguda to the effect that Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashonah may be counted as two of the festivals. This would, of course, greatly reduce the time of waiting. For example, if the wife died before Rosh Hashonah and Yom Kippur, the widower could remarry immediately after Succos. Also, Ezekiel Landau, in his Shulchan Aruch commentary Dagul Mirvovo, says that one may count Shemini Atzeres as a festival for this purpose. Another of the many indications of a steady tendency toward leniency is the opinion of Jekuthiel Teitelbaum in his Avne Zedek {Even Hoezer # 18) . He speaks of a young widower who was hesitant about remarrying before the three festivals had passed. His father, however, wanted him to remarry sooner. In that case, Teitelbaum decided that the duty of “honor thy father” supersedes the duty of the three festivals and he should obey his father and marry sooner.

Asher ben Yechiel, in his commentary to the Talmud passage, cites an additional personal reason why the widower need not wait. It is not only if he has had no children or if he has small children that need to be taken care of, but also if he has no one to take care of him. Asher ben Yechiel gets this from the Yerushalmi, Yevamos 4:6b. The post-Talmudic book Semachos adds an incident from the life of Rabbi Tarfon (this is also taken from the Yerushalmi, ibid.). The Babylonian Talmud in Moed Katan 23a gives the same anecdote as happening to Joseph the Priest. Rabbi Tarfon, as soon as his wife died, said to his wife’s sister, “Come and take care of your sister’s little children,” which was a proposal of marriage to her, but they did not have conjugal relations until thirty days had passed. The Babylonian Talmud, reporting this same incident about Joseph the Priest, said that he actually made his proposal to his wife’s sister at the cemetery. All of which, in essence, sums up the clearly permissive tendency of the law.

There are, however, some cautionary opinions also. Moses Sofer in his responsa (Yore Deah 351) says that if the deceased wife’s sister is to be the widower’s second wife, he must not have the wedding ceremony within the thirty days (a ceremony which would be permitted if he had no children) because she also is in mourning for his first wife, who was her sister. Also, Baruch Teomim Frankel, in his commentary Imre Baruch to the Shulchan Aruch, says that if the marriage is as early as a month after the bereavement, there should be a minimum of dancing and festivities.

Yet for all these cautionary statements, one may say that the Halachah, as it has developed, has managed virtually to abolish the three-festival requirement, either because of the man’s need to take care of his children, etc., or by counting in other festivals besides the three main ones in order to shorten the waiting period. As Isserles indicates, the custom of early marriage has virtually abolished the law of the three-festival wait. But Isserles adds that a sensitive man should perhaps be hesitant in this matter.