Stepfather at Bar Mitzvah

A mother was divorced and remarried. Her son from the previous marriage is about to be Bar Mitzvah. The child is close to the stepfather. Therefore, should the stepfather be called to participate in the cere mony, or should it be the boy’s natural father? (From Rabbi Max J. Ruttenberg, Rockville Center, N.Y.)

Let us first consider the possible relevance of whether or not the stepfather has formally adopted his wife’s son. If he has done so, would that fact (or the intention implied in that fact) strengthen his relationship to the child from the point of view of Jewish law? To this question it must be stated that there is no formal legislation concerning adoption in Jewish law. When Ben Zion Uziel, the late Sephardic chief rabbi of Israel, wrote a responsum on the matter, he had to invent a Hebrew term for “adoption.”

There are a number of statements (mostly Agadic) which would indicate that an adopted child might consider himself the son of the adopting father, yet there is doubt in the law as to whether the adopted son is under the legal obligations of a son to a father. This question would arise in case there is a conflict of rights. For example, there is considerable law on the conflicts between the various types of Kaddish-saying in the synagogue, one, let us say, being in the first thirty days of mourning; another, having Yahrzeit; one merely hired to say Kaddish for certain people who died childless; and one an orphan, raised in the house of the deceased. The disputes are generally as to who should say Kaddish at the Amud, or who may conduct the service. Moses Sofer in his responsa (Orah Hayyim 164) discusses a Kaddish dispute between natural orphans and an “adopted” one. He says that the “adopted” one cannot legally displace the natural orphans because, although it is proper that he should honor the man who raised him by reciting Kaddish for him, he is nevertheless not under the legal obligation so to honor him. This opinion is based upon a statement of Rashi to b. Sota 49a.

Yet, though not legally the son of the adopter, he may nevertheless be called his son to all intents and purposes (cf. Responsum #47, on adoption) and should do him honor. Therefore, there is no question that the stepfather should be honored at the Bar Mitzvah.

But what of the rights of the natural father? On this question there is considerable material in the law. In case of a divorce, who has custody of the children? (Cf. Responsum #49, on custody of children.) The law is clarified in Shulchan Aruch (Even Hoezer 8:9, 7): young children are given to the mother. But there is a difference in status between girls and boys. Girls stay permanently with the mother (unless the mother has a bad reputation), but the custody of the boy can be claimed by the father when the boy reaches the age of study, for it is the obligation of a father to teach his son Torah. This obligation remains incumbent upon the father even after the divorce. Therefore, when the benediction is to be recited (“Praised . . . Who has now freed me of the burden of this child”), it is the natural father who must recite it, since the obligation to raise the son to the knowledge and obedience of the Torah is the inescapable obligation of the natural father. The divorce does not relieve him of this obligation.

There is no traditional ritual for the father at Bar Mitzvah other than the recital of this blessing proclaiming the ending of the obligation. If that is still the only ritual, then it is the natural father who must recite the blessing.

But many rabbis have developed more elaborate rituals, among which are the formal address by the rabbi to the boy and the rabbi’s blessing. Since these rituals are modern, we are free to elaborate them. We should certainly do so in this case, where there is both a close emotional bond with the stepfather and a formal religious duty incumbent upon the natural father. For example, the natural father must be called to the Torah, and the stepfather should be called to the address and blessing.

Or, perhaps, in order not to make invidious distinctions, both can be called up to the entire ceremony. This is not unusual; we generally have more than one man called up to the Torah. All this must be left to the tact and good taste of the rabbi, who shall also consider the emotional relationships involved. The important element in the question is that both father and stepfather have rights. We might say that one right is Agadic and the other Halachic, one emotional and the other legal.