CCAR RESPONSA
Gossip between Husband and Wife
5750.4
She’elah
When husband and wife discuss a third person, does this constitute a permissible aspect of
marital relations or does it fall under the prohibition of lashon ha-ra’ (talking badly about
someone)? Would the closeness and privacy of marriage make a difference? (Elizabeth Resnick
Levine)
Teshuvah
1. The nature of lashon hara.
Tradition repeatedly stresses the power of the spoken word, and the Midrash calls it the primary
source of good and evil.1 The biblical prohibition is found in Lev. 19:16: “You shall not go
about as a talebearer.”2 The Rambam divides this law into three
categories:3
a. Holekh rakhil, going about gossiping even when not aimed at the degradation of another
person; it is the least serious offense, but is still prohibited;
b. Lashon ha-ra (more properly, leshon ha-ra’4 ), improper
speech; though true, it potentially damages another person;
c. Motsi shem ra, giving someone a bad name, the severest violation of the law, refers to
spreading false information and slandering. The classic passage interpreting this prohibition, ascribed to
the second century sage Eleazar ben Parta, relates to the report of the ten spies (Num. 13:32). They
misrepresented the condition of the land, that is, its trees and stones, and for this they died and caused the
entire generation who believed them to perish in the desert. If this punishment was exacted from them
because they maligned inanimate objects, how much more severe is the prohibition not to malign
persons.5
In the following we shall deal with all three categories as a unit, and do so under the general name of
lashon ha-ra.
R. Israel Meir Ha-Kohen6 suggested that engaging in lashon ha-ra
violates additional commandments, such as the negative “Do not hate your brother in your heart”
(Lev. 19:17) and the positive “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Lev. 19:18).7
Especially must one not speak of another as lacking in virtue or possessing character
faults.8 Similarly the Rambam prohibits talk that might, even though it be true, cause
financial loss, physical pain, mental anguish or similar damage to the person spoken
about.9 And of course, the person listening to lashon ha-ra is also
culpable.10
The importance of this subject is highlighted by its place in our prayer services. At the conclusion
of the central prayer, the Amidah , a final meditation takes note of our pervasive penchant for
gossip and slander and begins with the words: “O God, keep my tongue from evil and my lips from
speaking guile.”
2. Is lashon ha-ra permitted in the context of a marital
relationship?
Such relationship does not of itself negate the commandment, and the Hafets Hayyim makes it
abundantly clear:
There is no distinction made with regard to this prohibition, whether it is done of one’s own or
because of someone else’s urging; in either case it is forbidden. Even if one’s parent or teacher, whom one
is required to honor and revere…were to request that one tell about so-and-so, if one knows that such
telling would inevitably lead to lashon ha-ra or even to one of its by-products (avak lashon
ha-ra) is forbidden to obey them.11
This prohibition stands even if the commandment is rabbinical and not Torahitic (derabbanan),
12 or if a king of Israel requests that it be disregarded.13
There is a passage in the Pirkei Avot which, while it reflects a male perspective,
nonetheless speaks to the question before us: “Don’t indulge in idle talk with your wife.”14
What is this “idle talk”? One interpretation holds that it refers to gossip a man shares with his wife and
that he, by doing so, disgraces himself. Which is to say that the marital context does not exempt a person
from the prohibition of lashon ha-ra.15
Would it be different if the communication contributed to marital peace, shelom bayit ,
which is a valued tradition as well? Even God shaded the truth when speaking to Abraham about his
wife,16 and the Divine Name may be erased in the biblical “ordeal” in order to clear up
marital suspicion.17 And, significantly, Aaron’s lasting fame rested to no small degree on
his ability to establish shelom bayit among Israel’s families.18
Therefore it might be argued that, since total confidence between husband and wife helps to
cement the foundations of their marriage, lashon ha-ra could could be seen as serving a
wholesome end, especially when they agree not to reveal the information to anyone.19 But
such an argument offends against the basic rule that one should not try to accomplish a mitsvah
by committing an averah. There are exceptions, of course, but they deal with situations in which
alternatives are impossible or severely restricted, as when there is danger to life (pikkuach nefesh
). No such exigency exists with regard to lashon ha-ra. There are better and more positive
ways of achieving shelom bayit than the practice of gossip and slander which court the
possibility of harming another person. The pledge of secrecy is irrelevant since gossip and slander as such
constitute an offense.
To sum up: Even in special relationships which are founded on respect and bonding (parent and
child, teacher and pupil, husband and wife) lashon ha-ra is not permitted. There are no
principles in Reform Judaism that would disagree with this tradition; on the contrary, our ethics-oriented
emphasis would strongly endorse it.
We are of course not unaware that that this position is likely to be disregarded in the marital setting. But
by stating it nonetheless we are stressing the ideal, as a value in itself. We would also stress t hat, if people
regularly engage in lashon ha-ra in private, they are likely to do it elsewhere as well.. In
practical terms, therefore, our responsum may be seen as a caution.
Notes
- Lev. R. 33:1; see also 16:2.
- This is the popular understanding of the verse. But others (e.g. the translation by theJewish Publication Society) render it: “Do not deal basely…”
- Yad,, Hilkhot De’ot, 7:1-2.
- Because of its grammatical oddity, lashon ha-ra’ was at times considered anabbreviation, perhaps of leshon hanachash ha-ra an interpretation based on Psalm 140:4:
“They sharpen their tongues like serpents/ Spiders’ poison is on their lips.”
- See Tosefta Arakhin 2:11; B. T. Ar. 15a, which equated this sin with the combinedtransgression of murder, idolatry and illicit sexual behavior.
- Often also cited as R. Israel Meir Kagan, and known by his chief work as the HafetsHayyim, he laid special emphasis on pure and decent speech, shemirat ha-lashon (which
can also be rendered “watching one’s tongue”).
- See Hafets Hayyim, Introduction.
- Ibid., 8:10.
- Yad, Hilkh. De’ot 7:5. Such speech is allowed only when used for constructivepurposes, such as warning someone who stands in danger of being cheated.
- Ibid., 7:1-2; based on Exod. 23:1, Pes. 118a.
- Hilkh. Lashon ha-ra’ 1:5. See also the sayign of R. Amram in BT Baba Batra 164b.
- Ibid., no.8, footnote; see Sh. A. , Yoreh De’ah 240:15, after Lev. 19:2 and B.T. , BabaMetsi’a 32a.
- Sanh. 49a; Rambam, Yad , Melakhim 3:9.
- M. ‘Avot 1:5: ve’al tarbeh sihah im ha-ishah. The word ishah may of course refer towomen in general, and not to one’s wife.
- ‘Avot de-R. Natan 7:3.
- Gen. 18:12-13, and Baba Metsi’a 87a.
- Num. 5:23.
- Avot de-R. Natan 50.
- Speaking kindly about another person is of course encouraged and not at issue.If needed, please consult Abbreviations used in CCAR Responsa.